Last night I received a call informing me that a family in our community lost a parent to suicide. Sadness doesn’t begin to describe my feelings for them. When I told my husband, of course he felt the same. In the course of our conversation about this, he made this comment that so many people make.
“No matter how bad I feel, I just can’t imagine it getting to the point that I would do that to my family.”
There is very real truth is those words. He can’t imagine it. Although my husband has his own heavy emotions and struggles to carry, he has never walked the path of someone who lives with severe clinical depression. He literally cannot fathom the world through that unimaginable filter. If a person has not faced the darkest of nights or wrestled to the depth of their soul about the value of their own life, they have no way of comprehending the torturous confusion and pain of those moments.
A person who committes suicide did not have a clear perception of their reality. His thoughts were terribly twisted. He couldn’t recognize the tidal wave of devastation that his death would bring. He didn’t see that his mind was creating vicious lies, and he couldn’t understand that his life was precious and invaluable. He truly could not comprehend that he was and still is needed more than he could ever believe.
All that person knew was that he wanted the pain to end, and that he didn’t want to hurt the people in his life anymore. He had no ability to perceive that his leaving his family would create a deep void in their hearts. Although they would heal to some extent over a long, long time, that place in their hearts would forever remain jagged and raw. His presence will never be forgotten, and he will always be loved.
If you are fighting this battle in your mind, do not believe the lies that depression creates. It poisons your thoughts and tells you that you have no value. That confusion feels so real but it is the cruelest of tricks. Don’t you dare ever believe those lies. Never ever ever.
Your mind will not stay in darkness forever. You must continue to hold on whenever you most want to let go. Your life has value beyond measure, and the people in your world need you more than you can fathom. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth living, and despite what you seem to see all around you, everyone is fighting some kind of battle.
If you struggle with loneliness, self-worth issues, fear, guilt, or overall chronic imperfection, you are landing solidly on the scale of normal humanity. You aren’t alone in this and you don’t have to be alone in depression either.
Speak up. Ask for help. And hold on another day. And if needed, hold on again. Just don’t give in and don’t give up.
You’ve got this, and we’ve got each other. You are here for a reason. Give your life a chance to prove that to you.
You matter and your life is precious. Fight to keep it. Always.
My heart and prayers are with every person who has lost someone to this battle. Please know that it was never your fault, and it wasn’t the fault of the person who committed suicide either. Depression is a vicious disease.
***Please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline if you feel like you are at the end of your rope and truly can’t hold on much longer. If you are seriously considering ending your life, you desperately need to speak to someone who can help clear the blackness and the lies that are you can’t control in that moment. Call 1-800-273-8255 and please please please get help.
You are precious and you matter.
In love and light always.
Joanna
Momentum of Joy 
Feb 25, 2019 @ 06:38:10
Sending you love my friend. Xoxo
Feb 26, 2019 @ 00:04:02
And to you darling girl. ❤️
Feb 26, 2019 @ 08:19:14
💗💗
Feb 25, 2019 @ 07:33:20
The lies that depression creates. How true! If only such a person could realize how much potential he still holds, how valuable his life is to himself above all and how much he could contribute to the world around…..
Feb 26, 2019 @ 00:03:47
I always think the same thing. Any suicide attempt survivor can attest to that moment of clarity when you get a glimpse of your true value. I just wish that he could have had that before it was too late.
Feb 25, 2019 @ 10:13:40
I missed reading your blog. I am sorry this experience was the trigger for a new entry. I have not written much lately either. Let´s hope there are tons of happy reasons to start writing frequently again.
Feb 26, 2019 @ 00:06:24
Ironically I had actually started a completely different kind of post earlier yesterday but felt compelled to change the topic when I got the call. It’s interesting to me how we go through our little metamorphosis periods via writing respites. I look forward to reading more of your beautiful words, too, sweet friend. 🙂
Feb 26, 2019 @ 00:14:11
So do I. Looking forward to reading you often. Hugs!!
Feb 25, 2019 @ 10:15:05
By the way, I just remembered that your birthday is this month. I hope you had a great time celebrating your 35th.
Feb 26, 2019 @ 00:06:45
Lol thanks on multiple levels 😉
Feb 25, 2019 @ 15:08:45
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Your words resonated with me at a time almost one year since my dear friend Lynne took her life. She was the reason I started this blog and the first posts I made chronicled my thoughts and feelings as I struggled to come to terms with her pointless death. It helped me enormously to read others’ experiences and learn that I was not alone in feeling loss, guilt, despondency and regret. Although the rawness of the grief has subsided, not a day goes by when I don’t think of her, triggered by a song, a place, a joke, a painting or a word. Anyone feeling vulnerable, having lost someone or feeling lost enough to consider committing suicide – wait! Talk to friends. Reach out, no matter how bad it feels, no matter how counter-intuitive it feels – talk – get help – fight the feelings and take control. Maybe the first few months of posts on my blog could offer a needed voice of support to help deal with a loss or prevent someone from taking their own life.
Feb 26, 2019 @ 00:13:53
Your words contain such wisdom. I sincerely hope that people take the time to read them, too. It’s such an impossible reality to find yourself trying to rationalize, and even though you survive the loss, you never fully heal. I can’t tell you how incredibly sorry I am that you have to carry that pain. I feel personal guilt when I read about the pain of others because I know that I shouldn’t be here now. I didn’t have a clue about the horrific ripple effect that my choice would have had. In fact, I fully believed that I would be doing my family and friends a very real favor. I know now that those beliefs were absolutely ludicrous, but as I said, the mind twists the truth and feeds the worst lies. I apologize to the depth of my soul for the loss of your friend. I have no doubt that Lynne would choose differently if the fog had not clouded judgement past comprehension. I’m just so so sorry darling.
Feb 26, 2019 @ 01:52:39
Thank you, Jo. I think your blog might have been one of the ones that helped me last year. I’m glad you avoided the fatal outcome of the poisonous grip of an ill mind. I was thinking of editing my reply and posting it on my blog. Would you mind?
Feb 26, 2019 @ 13:40:04
Of course darling! ❤️❤️❤️
Feb 26, 2019 @ 14:11:19
🙏 thank you. Xx
Mar 04, 2019 @ 09:45:27
Such good information … I’ve been there and also been in the place where your desire to just not be in pain anymore that you think about it…and yet not that far along that you can leave those whom you love… with all the pain and grief they would bear……It’s a dark place but there is always hope! Diane
Mar 05, 2019 @ 07:36:46
I believe that hope is the most important thing that we have as humans and absolutely agree that it’s always there. Sometimes we just have to give it a little more time to reappear. 🙂
Mar 10, 2019 @ 11:06:18
Hey thanks for writing this. I’m feeling extremely suicidal and haven’t felt happy for years. I gave birth to my first child last year and I thought that would be the end of my misery but unfortunately it wasn’t. I steel feel like I’m living in a dark hole and I feel insanely guilty for having these feelings now that I have a child. I don’t really know what to do..or why I’m even saying all of this to you but I just really appreciated some of the things that you said in your post x
Mar 10, 2019 @ 13:20:13
I truly understand how you feel. I felt terribly guilty when I had my first baby because I wasn’t incessantly filled with joy. In reality, I was exhausted and struggled deeply. As they got older, that element did change dramatically. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still tired all the time, but you can’t possibly imagine the joy that my kids bring into my life. Do you remember the story of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell’s fairy dust? The only way to fly is to hold onto a happy thought. You children truly do become your happy thoughts. They do become your reason for holding on when you want to let go more than ever.
Please don’t give up darling. I promise you that I know exactly how you feel. There is so much goodness that will make your life worth living. Don’t miss the spectacular magic that is to come. Even in the darkest of nights, the sun is still out there. When the skies are stormy, it sometimes feels like it will never end – but they always do. Please please please give the sun time to show through the clouds.
Of all of the certainties I can share, I tell you this. The wonders you will see in your child will make your life with living. You would cheat yourself of so much love and happiness, and you would take away your child’s chance of receiving that from you, too.
The roller coaster will keep running through your mind. That doesn’t stop, and I won’t lie and say that it will. Although there will be days that feel like you are crashing downwards, there will be so many other incredible parts to the ride that will fill your heart beyond measure.
Your life creates a spectacular ripple that impacts countless others. You may not be able to see it now, but you have a beautiful divine purpose. You matter more than you could possibly know darling. Allow your destiny to reveal itself and let your light continue to shine. Please please please don’t give up honey. You’re way to important to make an early exit. Hold on and look for sun. It’s out there, and you will find it again soon.
Please reach out to a counselor or doctor if you feel like you are truly about to take your life. Also become highly cognizant of your choices in those times. When we feel terrible, many of us have a terrible tendency to gravitate toward activities that add to the negativity we feel. I call this feeding the monster. Don’t do that. It makes it so much worse. Turn off the news, the sad music, and avoid depressing books or shows. Go out of your way to find something funny to watch. Search for baby animal pics on Google, go on Pinterest to look for inspirational quotes, or jump on the internet and search for inspirational true stories. Feed good into your brain to help counteract the funk. It sounds cheesy, but it engages your brain in a very positive way. When your brain is focused in a good way, the hormones follow suit.
You had the boldness within you to write those words, and you have the wisdom to recognize the challenge. If you can do all that, you can do so so much more. You’ve got this darling. You can do this. I believe in you honey. I really do. ❤️
Mar 10, 2019 @ 16:02:44
Thanks so much for taking the time out to write all of these encouraging words. I feel so bad because I still can’t seem to get my mind out of the gutter. I feel almost certain that I want to end it all. I’ve become something that I don’t recognise and I live a very isolated life. My life literally just consists of baby and I. So I’m considering adoption for her. It’s not fair that I brought her into a situation like this. She deserves love and I want her to have a loving family. I’m so so tired of life, my unstable mental state isn’t gonna benefit baby’s life in any way shape or form.
Mar 10, 2019 @ 20:08:32
I don’t believe that anything happens by accident, but I do believe that her little soul chose to be with you in this lifetime. I know how easy it is for your mind to trick you into believing that you would be doing her a favor by setting her free, but the reality is that she would spend the rest of her life wondering why she wasn’t enough for her mother. She would imagine your voice, your embrace, your being there for her graduation and wedding, and one day your being there to encourage her when she had her own child. You don’t need a partner to be a parent. Being in a good relationship makes a world of difference on the parenting front, but I also see plenty of disastrous relationships that would benefit dramatically if there was a single parent approach. You can do this and your being single now doesn’t mean that you will remain so forever.
You are reaching out because something inside you recognizes that you have a reason for being. If your soul felt no worth, you would have never taken time to tell me what you did. That light within you knows that you still have things to do, laughter to experience, and love to share and receive. You can’t imagine how much fun it will be when your daughter truly gets a real joke. She will paint her smudgy fingers over ever surface of everything you own, and sometimes you’ll just leave those prints because they make you smile. You won’t know why she has some wacky mannerism that your crazy Uncle Al had but you’ll crack up at seeing it just the same.
There will be ten zillion teeny awesome things that will happen, and each one of those will be worth sticking around for just by itself.
Please go see a doctor and talk about medical options to help you along until you can clear the fog on your own. And in the meantime, tell any justifications your brain concocts to give you the okay to suicide to take a hike. Those are the worst poisonous lies of depression and they are total bullshit. Don’t buy it!
You can do this. You can survive. Yes you can. You may not want to fight this fight anymore, but you absolutely can. I believe in you and I know that you are stronger than you could possibly imagine. Tell your brain to piss off and recognize the badass person that is the real you!
Mar 11, 2019 @ 14:34:42
Thanks So much for this beautiful message of encouragement! I feel abit better today but I am going to go see a doctor and get some help. I don’t think I’ll be parting ways with my baby girl, I could never live with myself knowing that I’ve done that. I’m just gonna try to ride these emotions out, get the necessary help that I need so that I can be a great mum and roll model to my daughter! It’s definitely easier said than done but I guess suicide and giving up isn’t an option.
I’ve got a lot of work to do in myself. Here goes…
Xxx
Mar 11, 2019 @ 17:31:15
YOU ARE A BADASS AND I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!!! Any girl in the world would be blessed to have a mother as strong as you. Being brave and wise enough to seek help is brilliant and shows incredible wisdom and courage. I told you – you’re big time honey. You’ve got big things to do! Some days will feel like a crash, but for you, those will be your springboard. Ride the bounce up and spread those wings when you feel it.
Ginormous hugs to you lovebug!!! 😊 Joanna
Mar 12, 2019 @ 05:20:00
Thanks Jo, you’re amazing!!!!X
Mar 12, 2019 @ 07:14:15
❤️😊❤️