I Told You

Ahhhh soooo much bettah now.  No more itch and no more funky!

So I can tell you that I did have the full bandage wrap on for the entire day yesterday.  This surpassed my own expectations, but I recognize that the rest of the mature adult world may be less in awe of my limited (nonexistent) restraint.  This is especially true given that at two minutes past midnight, I simply couldn’t take it anymore.  Poof be gone gnarly germ harbor pretending to protect me!

Incredibly my husband is still speaking to me, but he did go out of his way this afternoon to tell several of our new neighbors that it was a giant nicotine patch for my raging habit.  (It’s a big band-aid, but it does appear patchy-esque.)  That didn’t really explain the other even sketchier hand, so no telling what they think of me now.  In all fairness, it’s just a matter of time before they know what a mega mess I am in general anyway.

My unsexy hand with the blown vein after the IV.

Ironically the IV hand hurts more than the one that had the actual surgery.  Is there anything to do after a rough IV job?  At this point, I’m planning on telling people that I’m one of the few barehanded female boxers in the state but that I did not fare well at my latest event.

***Ahem – slight revision to hand explanation per https://mainepaperpusher.wordpress.com – I’m one of the few barehanded female boxers in the state.  You should see how the other girl fared in our latest match. Ding ding baby!  ūüėą

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Regardless of the type of person this individual may or may not have been, I greyed out the personal information out of respect.

I took this photo earlier this year. ¬†It is an actual grave marker in a local cemetery. ¬†Headstones and markers don’t typically make my photo ops list, but, for obvious reasons, this one caught my eye.

It’s hard to find the words to even begin to express my thoughts about this marker, so I guess I will go with the one that speaks to me most forcefully.

Life is too important to carve your hurts into stone.

I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t be angry. ¬†I’m not saying that some person who has hurt you doesn’t fit this description. ¬†But locking those words in with such conviction doesn’t change the past. ¬†Most people wouldn’t dare to carve these judgements into literal stone, but so many of us carve them into our hearts instead.

We allow our past and our memories to harden our emotions.  We judge others based on what might happen because we remember being torn down until we were bruised and broken.  We refuse to expose anything raw and soft and vulnerable in ourselves to avoid being shattered once more.

But the savage truth is that I have also been all of these things.  It makes me scream inside to own those words, but they are true and I could list numerous people who could confirm that in a heartbeat.  It is the dark side of my humanity that I want to lock away but refuses to stay banished.

I have been a liar, a thief, and a cheat.

I have been selfish, unsharing, unloving, and unkind.

I have been disloyal, dishonorable, and unfaithful.

It makes my heart ache to write those words because I feel utter shame at the memories that flood my mind.  My throat gets a heavy feeling and my cheeks grow warm at the memories of mistakes.  Moments of terrible judgement.  Words spoken in jealousy and fear.  Anger leading me to lash out.  And impatience.  Always impatience.

But that is only one side of the coin.

I have also been extremely honest, fiercely protective, and fair.

I have been generous, loving, kind, and warm.

I have been loyal, honorable, and faithful.

And I am real.

We each have darkness and lightness within us. ¬†There cannot be one without the other. ¬†This is not a fluke in our design. ¬†It is part of our human experience. ¬†We aren’t broken. ¬†We are here to develop and to grow.

I’m not suggesting the you run full speed with your dark side. ¬†Don’t do that. ¬†Please.

I’m merely offering the idea that we learn from the heavier moments. ¬†We strive for better. ¬†We remind ourselves to stand back up whenever we fall down. ¬†And we offer that possibility to those around us.

Sometimes you can work through the pain to heal a relationship, and sometimes you can’t. ¬†Remember that you don’t have to have to keep people in your life in order to forgive them. ¬†That isn’t always healthy, and it isn’t always possible. ¬†However more often than not, the real person we need to forgive is ourselves. ¬†We are human, and we behave as such for better and for worse.

Smooth the hurts you have carved into your heart.  Set free any judgements you can or at least try to see them in the light of reality.  Do it for your sake.  We all make mistakes.  We all fall down.  We all fall short.

We are two sides of the same coin.  There is such beauty in our lives of contrast and in our drive to be more than what we have been.  We must be one step lower before we can take the next step up.

Release the hurt.  Forgive others and forgive yourself.  Step up from wherever you are in this moment.  Always step up.

In love and light always – Joanna

***This is dedicated to my darling friend Tracy who inspires me to step up with every word she writes. ¬†She is a spectacular soul, and I am blessed by all the color she shares. ¬†Thank you for all that you are dear friend. ūüíď ¬†https://insidetherainbow.blog

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