Sticks and stones have yet to break my bones, but words have left me reeling on countless occasions. Many of us were raised to speak kindly and ignore harsh comments from others, but as we all know, it’s not quite that cut and dry.
I’m going to share a personal story that very few people in my life have heard. Congratulations internet – you are now part of The Circle of Secrecy. (Apparently The Circle is quite large.) (Also I feel like it would be disingenuous if I didn’t clarify that there are actually additional Circles within The Circle.)
When I was in high school, I participated in a program that allowed several students and teachers to spend a couple of weeks with various families in Asia. It was incredible, eye-opening, and beautiful beyond words. Experiences like that change you forever in ways that you couldn’t imagine. Sadly, the trip also left me with a memory that I can’t forget either. It may seem small, but it had a tremendous impact on me.
The flight from Texas to Japan took about 500 hours (give or take about 485 hours). We were antsy teenagers, and while we were excited to be going, it took foreeeeveeeer to get there. 100 or so hours into the flight, I started talking to the guys sitting on either side of me. I wasn’t looking for love in all the wrong places. I was just bored, so I chatted with the adjacent humans. Unfortunately they were also bored and got trashed with the adjacent liquor bottles. It wasn’t my favorite spot to be in, but I didn’t know what else to do. It was an exchange program, but the exchange option did extend to my seat number.
Eventually the men became extremely rowdy, so one of the head administrators of the school called me over to sit in a seat in the row in front of him and his wife. Another staff member moved to take my seat instead. That was 100% fine by me. I re-seated my seat, buckled my buckle, and the plane kept plane-ing. Nothing could have been worse than their obnoxious behavior, so I was incredibly relieved to be elsewhere.
Until I heard this spoken softly by the administrator to his wife in the row behind me…
“That Joanna is a total slut.”
I can’t tell you how much it hurts me to repeat such base words of intense unkindness spoken about me by a leading administrator of my school. There was zero truth in them. I may have been brash and loud, but I truly was an innocent child. Overhearing those poisonous words from this respected person of authority made me feel like trash.
I have kept this story close because it is something I have wanted so badly to forget. It’s one small utterance, but it scratches my heart raw. Someone who knew absolutely nothing about me saw that when he looked my way. He thought I was low.
My mistake was not speaking to the two faceless men. My mistake was listening the one whose face I can’t forget.
In his defense, he was not a bad man at all. On the contrary, he was a very good man who did countless wonderful things to help many students. While he was utterly wrong about me, I don’t know of any other student that he failed over the years. I want to believe that he was stressed while watching the whole scene from several rows over. He misunderstood my not being able to deflect those inebriated jackasses as an invitation on my part. He misunderstood the situation, but more than anything, he misunderstood me. I never called him out on those words, but I have often wished that I had for my own sake. In truth though, it doesn’t matter.
Even though I knew then that what he said was not true, it still tore down my self-image. That poison has coursed through my spirit for years. I should have never given such power to the thoughtless words of that man. The unkind words and acts of another do not deserve the authority to govern my self-worth. Self-worth should always remain an inside job.
Unkindness does not define me. Unkindness does not define you.
People say and do things that are strikingly hurtful. They lash out and lose control and make mistakes. Sometimes hurting you is intentional, and sometimes they don’t even know that they are doing it. Your hurt becomes invisible collateral damage. Most can’t see, but you can’t avoid. It gnaws at us and steals our happiness. But their unkindness is about them – not you.
I now see the paper tiger in his untruth. I forgive a kind man who mistakenly whispered callous words with zero understanding of their impact. I release that ghost of my past. I take back all power I once gave it, and I bring yet another part of my soul back out of the shadows.
We have sacrificed pieces of ourselves to others who never deserved them. No one should ever be given the power to make you feel substandard or less than. You are never less than. You are meant to excel and grow and dream and learn and soar. Let go of another’s false perceptions, and discover who you really are.
Release the unkindness. Take back your self-worth.
You were born to shine!
In love and light always – Joanna
***This is one of my favorite posts from an awesome lady and fellow outcast / badass who also had to brush off hollow unkindness thrown her direction. High five from me to you girl! 😉
Too Good for Wal-Mart
I had struggled for years with the unpredictability of manic depression. I read the books. I met with the doctors. I took the pills. But I couldn’t make it stop. It was as if I had no control over my life or my sanity. I could see it. but I couldn’t stop it. I wanted to turn off the noise. Turn off the pain. Turn everything off.
That experience changed me on every level. It didn’t make the ups and downs go away. It didn’t stop my anxiety problems, my OCD tendencies, or my mercurial emotions. I didn’t become the easiest person to be friends with nor did I become a dream family member at all times (or even most times, but I really do try). However my eyes were opened. I realized that I was supposed to be here, I was not alone at any point, and my life had value. I didn’t have the slightest idea about the blessings I would receive nor did I understand those I would give. I didn’t understand my true value, and I suppose, to a very great extent, I still don’t. But I knew then that my worth was beyond measure.
You wouldn’t think much to look at it. And of course that assumes that you would have even noticed it in the first place. Many people would walk right by and yet it would remain unseen. They don’t recognize the magic. The wonder. The amazing. It’s all within view if they can simply look a little harder.
How often do we degrade our perceptions of ourselves based on where we are in the moment? We criticize our physical appearances. We curse our life circumstances. We replay our sad choices and moments of humanity in our minds and declare ourselves unworthy or unlovable. We twist reality to meet our misconceptions and insecurities. We assume that the world sees us this way as well.
Momentum of Joy 