While I want to say thanks so very much for all the love you sent my way regarding the last post, I also would like to clarify that I really feel that I just paraphrased some of the ideas presented at the beginning of The Untethered Soul. So here is my own response to the post regarding who I think I am.
I have been thinking about the concept of stripping away all the layers we assume as we move through the days. Our roles, our physical selves, our thoughts and emotions. Ultimately I do believe that those aspects of our being do not define us nor do they even describe who we are. But with that said, I would like to state openly and honestly that, when things get stormy, I struggle enormously with separating myself from my Self.
Case in point – the past couple of weeks have been busy busy busy. Last week of summer and first week of school. Need I say more? And when it gets hectic, this mommy gets snappy. And a little grouchy. And sometimes a lot grouchy. And my kids seem to drop more clothes and shoes on the floor. And the dogs intentionally shed extra hairballs just to annoy me. And the dishes become like gremlins multiplying at an alarming rate in the presence of water. And my husband (who is a very good and kind man) will casually say or do things that grouchy mommy isn’t able to laugh at the way chill mommy is. The whole shebang is very un-Disney movie-esque and sends me into a serious funk.
So this time, I watch it all happening with my last post in mind. I am highly aware that I am watching it and trying to be cognizant of my feelings and experiences without allowing myself to become those feelings and experiences. I am trying desperately to be zen dammit. But of course I recognize the whole zen vs. desperately zen dammit dynamic and I try to extricate the desperately and dammit portions. But they won’t budge!
I know that I am a spiritual being having these human experiences – but I just can’t figure out how to tilt the scales back in favor of spiritual and away from human. The mental chaos continues to plague me until suddenly, for one reason or another, it dissipates. At that point, I feel like I can step back once again. But am I really stepping back into my spiritual shoes? Ironically I never actually left them, but it certainly felt like it. This is the struggle I face when I try to figure out who I am. Despite my belief that we are living players in this game of Life (but without the little pink and blue plastic stick babies – of which we all had 8 in our multiple plastic cars), I still get so caught up in the moments.
So when I want to find me – the me that I pray is the real me – I focus on the gaps – the spaces in between the noise, chatter, and emotional rip tides. It doesn’t mean that I won’t stumble again or that the storms will fade forever. But I know that as long as I keep seeking the Light in my Self, I can continue to get closer to who I really am. That me can take it all in and then get back up, learn, grow and hopefully shine a little brighter each time. That’s who I hope I am.