Love You to Death

Is there someone in your life you love so much, but you can’t stand the destructive choices he or she makes?  What does that relationship look like in your mind?  Are you continuing to offer support because you believe that you are the only good thing holding that person together?  Are you there completely and totally no matter what they do?  Is the reality that you may be loving this person to death?

I know that this is a slippery slope in our hearts.  We want to be good people and we want to live in kindness and love.  However I believe that our commitment to “keep someone together” can often validate the destructive behavior.

Most of us have someone in our circle (or several someones in our circle) who seem to feed off negative reinforcement.  I want to be a good friend, but I try to be cognizant of not enabling them.  I also try to make sure that I am not determined to make it my personal mission to find a way to fix their pain.  I struggle with that more than anything because sometimes it just seems so obvious to make a different choice.  My intention is to send positive messages and somehow open that door to the good side of life, but some people don’t want to release the lock – and of course, that is their decision to make.  It is not our role to force our will upon another.

I am not writing this entry with any big message in mind.  It’s really just my process of thinking out loud about how we choose to move through our relationships.  I remember my own experience with depression over so many years of my youth, and it surprises me to think back on how many people validated my sadness – doctors, friends, family – and I fully recognize that the validation came from a place of complete love and support.

I wonder how many of you struggle with this same issue of supporting someone versus enabling the scenarios they often have the power to change – not every single time, but quite often.  As I said before, we cannot change someone with our will, but maybe we can focus on loving the life in them, the light in their choices, and the moments when they allow their true self to shine.  And if they are full time passengers on the downward spiral train, I believe that the best choice we can make is to send prayers of love and light their direction.  There are just too many wonderfuls always happening to celebrate the awfuls.  I wish each of you boatloads of wonderfuls today and always, and I will always rejoice in the good and light choices you make.

Love and light always.  MoJo

17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. cindyhfrench
    May 01, 2012 @ 19:38:27

    oh as usual, right on the money. I saved it so that I could send it to two people who I think are a bit enabling. Maybe they will see themselves-maybe not. but it will make them think just as it made me think about my own enabling!! You’ve opened my eyes tonight!


    • momentumofjoy
      May 01, 2012 @ 19:40:02

      I think a lot of us do this – me included. And it’s ironic because I truly believe that our hearts mean so very well. However we just encourage the bad stuff! What’s that about??? ;)


  2. wholisticme
    May 01, 2012 @ 21:46:36

    Love the post! It is such a thin line to be loving and being controlling,or being supportive and being a doormat.I find it helpful to ask how the decision makes me feel. What does the “gut” say.In the process I have stopped answering right away. I ask for a moment to think before I say yes or no.


  3. maggiemyklebust
    May 02, 2012 @ 01:01:49

    Good idea… but sometimes easier said than done.


    • momentumofjoy
      May 02, 2012 @ 05:38:26

      I don’t disagree. I do think it becomes a clearer once we realize that we are doing it


    • momentumofjoy
      May 02, 2012 @ 05:49:25

      Argh! Morning phone typing! ;) I was trying to correct something and somehow sent the reply. Anyway I do think that we have to create some level of awareness within ourselves before we have any chance of turning our own part in the situation around. We usually can’t fix another person’s problems but I do think that we exacerbate them when we feed into it. I have had multiple friends with anorexia and I cannot tell you how many times people would say things like “You need to eat girl” right before they said “I wish I could be thin, too.”. Talk about mixed messages. And when I had depression and would be so down, people who loved me would say things like “I don’t want to leave you alone” but of course that validated my sense of control.

      I don’t mean to minimize the emotional battles or the intentions of love. However I do believe that we can become more cognizant of how we are supporting that person. When I hear someone say “that’s jut the way he is” it sounds a lot like acceptance. Not that they need to judge – they most definitely don’t. But they also don’t have to empower the situation.

      Does that make sense?


  4. Katrina
    May 02, 2012 @ 07:03:46

    Very insightful and profound, good post!


  5. Jan Deelstra
    May 02, 2012 @ 11:56:09

    This is the most insightful post to date. Enabling is such a profound issue for many parents. We have to love others enough to allow them their own journeys, and we must love ourselves enough to not drown in their dysfunction, regardless of our connection. This just may be the most challenging lesson of this Earth experience. Thanks for this MoJo.


  6. erranttranscendentalist
    May 03, 2012 @ 05:12:02

    Really great post, MoJo!!


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